lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I just committed the perfect crime. I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court. I pleaded insanity.

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

   I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.

   Greeting cards are for people who mean every word someone else said.

   Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.

   I'm what you might call an "incurable romantic". Although that's not the term they use at the Free Clinic.

   Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.

   Some things are best kept between you and your neighbours. Like a fence.

   Hard work never killed anyone but i'm hoping my boss will be the first.

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming a bit too high.

   Tip of the Day: When greeting your friend Jack at an airport,do not yell "HI,JACK!!". Another tip: prison food is terrible.

   Always smile in the morning. It will make people wonder what you did the night before.

   Sometimes I think I'm a genius. Then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy.

   I'm so exhausted from my French self-defense course. I've never had to run so far in all my life!

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home..

   When I was a little girl, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

   ..i had lunch with a chess player today. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   My friend just introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that guarantees a 100% payout. It's called a job.

   Thanks to modern medicine, people can be sexually active long past the age when anyone wants to see them naked.