Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Pro death penalty - If you don't value other people's lives, why the hell should they value yours?

   please take down your engagement photos I'M ALLERGIC

   Any day now I expect to look up from my phone and meet my grandkids.

   There is a man eating fries with a fork and airport security is doing nothing about it.

   An intervention, but for your selfies.

   The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium

   Don't hate me because I'm single. Hate me because you are married.

   I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

   “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me talking to my phone battery.

   Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

   Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

   Cmon kid, do or say something funny already. Daddy needs a new Facebook Status Update.

   Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.

   You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

   Sex so good you forget which species you are.

   According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.

   Moment of silence for all the adults who still don't understand sarcasm and satire... they must live lives of constant confusion and trauma.

   My heart says yes but my wife says no!

   If a girl ever tells you to your face that you can’t afford her-listen to her. No matter how rich or poor you are, she is too cheap for you.