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I am having debate withdrawal....So I'm heading to 7-11 now to spar with clerk about gas prices and Iranian sanctions. 
What's a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?
How was I supposed know she was ugly? She had big titties.
Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end. On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January.
why do psychics ask questions?
I have never once looked at a security guard and thought "I feel totally safe with that guy on the job"
When I am in love, I'm like a bird soaring through the sky straight into a window.
I got fired from work on pajama day... It's not my fault I sleep naked.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
I'm so old, I remember when the internet didn't have commercials. . .
If I haven't offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It's in there.
Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I'm never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn't work...
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.
It's always fun to run out of the bank after cashing a check, and yelling "Go, Go, Go!" as you jump into your car and speed off. 