Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Next time I'm on an elevator with four or more strangers, I'm going to turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here." 
Fubu shirt- $100 ; Rocca Wear sweatshirt- $80 ; Sean John hat- $50 ; Realizing you're white... Priceless.
The worst feeling isn't being lonely. It's being forgotten by someone you'd never forget.
The smaller the dog, the crazier the chick.
When are the makers of Captain Crunch going to get honest and rename it Tasty Jagged Mouth Gravel...painful but tasty...
wondering who was the first to look at a cow and think;"ill just squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of it!"
Only 12 % of the earths population can solve this in 30 seconds. Say the 0pposite of these words: 1) always 2) coming 3) from 4) take 5) me 6) down
Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right.
Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...
Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.
Girl: "Age is just a number." Guy: "Yeah? And jail is just a room."
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I've only missed one day
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don’t know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
Those kids who cant find the Totino pizza rolls in the empty freezer, then leave the phone in the freezer deserve to starve to death
Dear Modern Warfare 3, Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity. Sincerely, Parents Everywhere
If I call Customer Service, and they say, “This call is being recorded for training purposes,” I make sure to say “motherf*cker” a lot. I'm sure they don't get enough training on that.
My favorite genre of rap is bragging about all the murders you committed then complaining that the cops pull you over for no reason.
If a girl flushes a public toilet with her foot, there is probably a lot of other things she won't do.
Anyone caught singing Christmas carols between now and Thanksgiving will be slapped.
Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot. 