Funny Status Messages

   If you don't have a Facebook account, all your high school friends just assume you died.

   When I say “wow, that's crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven't been listening to a word of your conversation.

   Guys are like a snow storm, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

   I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:

   I search all over the internet for funny stuff and paste it here so that you don't have to. So show some appreciation please.

   Strangers have the best candy

   Guys, if you really want her to stop complaining about the toilet seat being up, pee with it down a few times.

   The voices in my head thought it was funny... so what's your problem? Oh wait... you might be missing the best part... A sense of humor!!

   Naughty phrases you can only say on Thanksgiving: Just wait your turn youll get some! You still have a little bit on your chin! Its cool whip time! Its a little dry do you still want to eat it? If I undo my pants I'll burst.

   I bet the people who voted for Biden are turning over in their graves

   Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her breasts done

   I'm sorry, but since when did an unmarried minority couple naming their baby something stupid become news?

   Here's the deal... I don't care what state you go to...If you wanna find drugs, just find Martin Luther King Boulevard.

   Someone came up to me and said "T.G.I.F. Thank god its Friday!" I replied "S.H.I.T. Sorry hun,it's Thursday."

   Ashley cole was arrested for speeding!! In his defence, he was told tht John Terry's car was parked outside his house!!!

   Great Job!! Children across the globe have stopped being abused because you let them know what your favorite childhood cartoon character was.

   China has really impressed me in the Olympics. They use the same person for every event!

   roses are red unicorns are pencil this poem makes no sense, toaster

   Dear ladies: If you're tired of guys staring at your boobs, just turn around. We like asses too.

   The last time gasoline prices were this high Joe Biden was vice president.