Funny Status Messages

   My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it. As he got out. I said, "Nice Car." "Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

   Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh it, I'm pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.

   Excuse me security guard, but I didn't come to this museum to not ride a dead dinosaur.

   why dont gas stations have black friday specials

   i went to this halloween party dressed as a leaf blower. another guy came dressed as a leaf. needless to say, it was awkward

   I prefer 11,000 Keystone XL pipeline workers over 87,000 new IRS agents.

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   Never judge a person by what other people have told you. The person maybe gentle with you but harsh with others. The same sun which melts ice also hardens clay.

   Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to " Unstable "

   surprised how we live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police...

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   Remember me? I used to be your best friend when you were single.

   They should make a medal for anyone uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.

   So, this whole Mayan 12/21 thing - does anyone know if that's Mayan Standard Time or Mayan Daylight Time? Asking for a friend.

   If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.

   I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

   For most people when you loose your "khakis" you've lost a pair of pants. When you're from Boston and loose your "khakis" you can't start your car

   I'm trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can't find any Twinkie seeds. :/

   There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

   I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.