Funny Status Messages

   I'm waking up early to knock on Jehovah's Witnesses' doors. Gonna ask them if they've accepted Time Warner as their Internet Service Provider.

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   My girlfriend says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?

   When will women ever learn? Never hold a man to what he says during sex. It's not even him talking, it's the prick in charge.

   Son: Dad can I go to a 50 Cent concert? Dad: Here's $1, take your sister with you.

   A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you "I'm drunk" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying "I'm delicious"

   Bit%h If We Break Up... I'm Changing My Netflix Password ... You Ain't Bouta Be Cuddled Up With Anotha Guy On My $8 a Month

   Getting married at 18 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

   If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.

   I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.

   I used to be afraid to fart in front of my new girlfriend. But today I just decided to let a big one go. She didn't mind. Her dad however was disgusted. The rest of the people at the funeral weren't too pleased either.

   Today's weight loss tip: Use superglue as lip gloss!!

   Taking a picture of a flower does not make you a photographer......

   "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

   Black Friday is America's version of Running with the Bulls!

   Coffee's poured? Check. Facebook's running? Check. So far so good. Now I'm ready for the day to go to hell as usual.

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands

   I love U, I love U, I love U. Don't get me wrong, I love other letters also.

   Pay no mind to those who speak behind your back. It just means that you are ahead of them.

   Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.