Funny Status Messages

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long..

   I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

   That moment when you’re worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly.

   I’m gonna tell you something right now, tis not the time to have allergies.

   when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

   Maybe if I develop feelings for Covid 19 it will leave.

   The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

   2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

   I don't know how you ladies can pluck your eyebrows out.. I just pulled a stray moustache hair and cried like a little girl

   Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

   Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."

   Before you fall in Love with a girl with sparkling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head

   Write the name of someone you hate on your arm every day with a permanent marker. That way if you die they'll become a suspect.

   Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

   My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

   Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?

   If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.