Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I just returned a Rug Dr to Lowes. When asked if it worked ok I responded, "Yep got up all the blood and evidence as promised. I would recommend it to anyone"!

   Filling out a job application. Under 'Military Experience' I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   Went to Arby's today, and had a buddy hide in the trunk. When we got to the window to pickup our order, We had him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.I turned up the stereo, and handed the guy my money, and said loudly "I LOVE this song!!"

   God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.

   : Please do not take my kindness for weakness. Because I will not be afraid to knock you the hell out!

   Old is when your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can't do both!”

   The single hand that wipes your tears during your failures is better than the countless hands that come together to clap you on your success.

   Most men would never agree to marriage if they knew how rare it was to mate in captivity.

   Don't make fun of a fat guy with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it.

   STALKERS meeting tonight at that secret spot! You know the one!!

   demands: BRING ME THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES!!! Or some cupcakes. Whichever.

   I dated a swallower. I married a ‘get that thing out of my face’.

   If you were a hobbit, your name would be Douche Baggins.

   National no bra day wasn't as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.

   I'd have sex with Martha Stewart just for the amazing breakfast she would make the next morning.

   I thought my wife said she was into butt sex...... Turns out she is into everything BUT sex.

   On February 14, 269 A.D., a Catholic priest in Rome was tortured, beaten with clubs, and finally beheaded. His name was Valentine. Just thought you'd want to know.

   My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don't know yet though she's still in bed

   If the NFL keeps this up, we've got a shot at playing again. - White Guys

   The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.