Funny Status Messages

   Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.

   Missed the winning lottery number only by 6 numbers.

   It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it.

   I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.

   Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

   Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment...

   If your coffee order has more instructions than an ikea bunk bed then you're probably an a$$hole.

   If Ann Coulter married Madonna, who would be the butch one?

   I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

   Whew! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers."

   How many times does one need to watch BET before their credit score is affected?

   We need to stop calling Wednesday "Hump Day." Anyone with children knows that humping doesn't happen on school nights.

   I just don't get it. One minute their telling you that they don't appreciate being treated like a piece of meat and the next their covering themselves with oil and baking themselves in a tanning bed....... Women.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger should have lived by one of the ten commandments of politics: Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

   Dear LOL, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, I have nothing else to say

   says if there were no bad parents, there would be no good strip clubs!

   if I could just harness the powers of that groundhog to predict the future...I'd be unstoppable...and I could dig like a mother fu@ker too...

   Just moved the dog's bed to vacuum underneath and found a stack of pics of people's legs.

   Just met one of those people that start laughing at things you said 10 minutes ago....because they just "got it"

   My ex said I would always have the key to her heart, so I take it that her new man is a locksmith?