Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Anytime a smart ass cop tells me to have a nice day after he writes me a ticket I respond with "and you try not to get shot today."

   I wonder what the person who discovered milk was doing with the cow...

   I wonder if children who stutter are the result of pregnant women using vibrators.

   Sometimes I regret bringing sexy back.

   Oh... you pay for Netflix and iTunes? I see you don't know how to really use the internet.

   A surprise threesome is a great way to show your girlfriend that you really do like her friends.

   WTF. I grabbed somebody sexy and told them "Hey, give me everything tonight!" They called the cops, Thanks a lot Pitbull.

   If a girl will go out in public with bed head, there's a lot of other stuff she will do. Marry her.

   I'd like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.

   Women are always saying how men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true. Since all women are crazy, you might as well go for the fit ones.

   Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.

   Sex is like air... it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   You ever check your weight before and after you sh!t? I tried it and I gained weight. I think I did something seriously wrong.

   Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children." ...Then the f*cking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.

   The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.

   It must be impossible to stand out as a prostitute working on Halloween.

   What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).