Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend goes out and buys me 12 underwear of the same color. I said, "Why in the hell did you buy all of them in the same color? People will think I never change them." My girlfriend: Which people? :\

   the only thing I find more interesting than the royal wedding right now is everything else

   sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea and somethin called relationships....

   I can't stand people who look down on people who look down on people.

   Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

   While drinking my afternoon coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window... and ask myself: Would prison be all that bad?

   Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.

   I don't appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.

   I wonder how police on bikes arrest people, "Alright, get in the basket."

   Karma Sutra: When fate f*cks you in all sorts of creative ways.

   There is no straight way to wash a cucumber.

   Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.

   Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

   If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.

   My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.

   Here's a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.

   Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.

   I think all the women who don't get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

   I don’t think I meet the height requirement to ride your emotional rollercoaster

   My automatic ice maker has 2 settings... 1) Off....... 2) It's 3 AM & There's a Killer in the Kitchen