Funny Status Messages

   Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.

   "Done that, done that, done that, done that & that & that" = Me, flipping through 50 Shades Of Grey.

   Breaking News: Miley Cyrus to star in prn movie called "Hannah Does Montana"

   I bet if you look up "dictionary" in the dictionary,, it just says "this."

   Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don't really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don't really mean it.

   Allstate says your rates won't go up if you have an accident. Yeah, because they will cancel your policy!!

   Sleeping naked tonight. I'm leaving this world the same way I entered it. Naked.

   My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a nap

   I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.

   Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.

   Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

   There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

   Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.

   Why does the new FB layout say "12 more recent stories", then when you click it, it takes you way down the page to the old ones??

   I've just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40..........I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.....

   If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end on a call, we would have no friends.

   "I'm not like most girls." ~ Most girls

   National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...

   I just finished washing a load of paper plates if anyone's wondering about my bank account balance.

   Really? Wow! (The only two things I ever say to kids)