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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs 
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.
still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
well how long before we see KC Royals World Series shirts on the news during an ebola segment in Africa. ...
I wish I had kim kardashans talent of not having any talent and making money off it.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If Homer Simpson were a Democratic Congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be “Homer Simpson (D-OH)"
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, passwords, credit cards, life, soul......
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he's called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Every time my girlfriend sees me naked, she sighs. Doesn't she know that sighs matters?
Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.
Thanks to Facebook I met everyone's mother today
Actually, Jon Bon Jovi, it's Courtney that gave 'Love' a bad name
Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair??? I haven't seen that much photoshop since a Lord of the Rings movie.
Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?
Instead of buying all my kids' school supplies, I just bought a Staples store. Saved like four grand.
Stop fcukin whining about being alone and lower your standards like the rest of us 