Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   The liquor store. The dollar store. The court house. Top three places where you hope no one notices you.

   Just seen a April Fools jokes saying, "Justin Bieber found dead in a hotel room." You should never joke about death of a little girl.

   Ladies: If "snuggling" is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me...... He'll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle...

   Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.

   People say hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who "rested to death?"

   There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

   Download this software? Do you Agree? Are you sure? Well, the more times you ask me if I'm sure the less sure I am.

   All those years of saving and financial planning should get me through my retirement with relative ease. As long as the world ends on Dec. 21st.

   I'll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying. :)

   If you can read this please let me know because, it means I blocked the wrong person. I'm still getting used to this Stupid timeline!

   Anger is an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.

   Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

   When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

   Whenever someone says to me "You look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I say, "Do you watch porn?"

   When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.

   What's with all these Facebook quizzes? Does it look like I give a shlt about what type of chocolate I am?

   Marriage is like a casino... You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.

   Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.

   My job on Fridays: Working just hard enough that the screen-saver doesn't come on.