Funny Status Messages

   I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...

   When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.

   How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?

   It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.

   A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".

   Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

   I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.

   The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   The Feds have been stockpiling baby formula at the southern border for months. More proof who gets priority and who does not.

   With the pandemic ending, the people who yell at others about masks are in danger of never feeling important again.

   Remembers when the only fake news was the National Inquirer

   Just pulled on a nose hair and one of my pubes disappeared.

   You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.

   They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x