Funny Status Messages

   Kim jong nu looks like a korean garden gnome

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."

   Now would be a good time to pave the roads

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.

   All I'm saying is, you don't see many face tattoos on Jeopardy!

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying