Funny Status Messages

   It is so hot, and I have typed so much, I am having to dunk my fingers in gatorade to keep them from cramping!

   I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I'm not even married.

   If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

   I dont talk to strangers, but I will stare and judge like I know them. Thanks for that skill grandma

   Attention Club Lonely... Keep posting those deep, philosophical, pseudo, life enriching quotes on your profiles. It tells the opposite sex what a day at the amusement park you are.

   I am just one step away from being very rich. All I need now is a lot of Money!

   My dog and I have the best conversations when I'm drunk.

   Keeping the list of naughty girls all to yourself? Well played Santa.

   auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.........

   all warm in my snuggie, well its really my bathrobe on backwards, but wtf

   if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.

   A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!”

   Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.

   Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.

   always learn from mistakes of others who took your advice

   I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"

   They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit. Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster than that.

   Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.

   According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...