Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm taking a dump.

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   I think it would be cheaper to just buy stamps and mail my car back and forth to work.

   Life is like a box of chocolates...I don't think so! Mine is more like a box of hand grenades...pull the wrong pin and everything goes flying!

   Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever.

   Some people call me a smart ass, I say I'm just smart with a good ass answer.

   I wouldn't say she was fat but she has to wear a G-rope.

   I'm not perfect, but I'm better than your ex and gonna be better than your next.

   I think I just contracted herpes in my eyes from watching Jersey Shore.

   When you don't remember someones name, you wait for someone else to say it so you can pretend like you knew it all along.

   Some things time cannot erase. That's why alcohol exists.

   My internet is so slow, it would be faster to just drive to Google's headquarters and ask them this sh!t in person.

   Hey, this Facebook thingy is WAY more fun than talking to each other!

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

   To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really b!tchy when I dropped my son off.

   You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.

   dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there.

   it "for f*cks sake" or "for f*ck sake"? It's for work, so I want to make sure this e-mail is professional...

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.