Funny Status Messages

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again

   Are they still bad habits if I like them?

   Can anybody cover my shift tonight? ~ Santa Claus

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   When this is over.. What meeting will you need to attend first.. Weight watchers or AA ?

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.

   me: it's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work

   I wonder when the CDC will recommend closing the southern border.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   Your ignorance may be bliss, but it’s giving the rest of us a headache.

   I don't approve of poll-little-cow jokes, I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

   Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you.

   The CDC recommends wearing your mask on your butt to protect against Monkeypox.

   The next person that says “the jab” is gonna get “the shot” in the arse.