Funny Status Messages

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   What do you get when a topless blond rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette? Your camera.

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you.

   Your ignorance may be bliss, but it’s giving the rest of us a headache.

   I don't approve of poll-little-cow jokes, I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

   The next person that says “the jab” is gonna get “the shot” in the arse.

   If I die, don’t let me vote for Biden.

   Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   To defeat the latest variant, experts recommend doing all the things that didn’t work the first time.

   Values of the woke: Victimizing yourself is powerful, bravery is dangerous, self-responsibility is someone else’s responsibility, reality isn’t real.

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   When the quarantine lasts longer than expected and your cousin starts looking extra thick.

   I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

   The bird, the bird, the bird is the word!

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years