Funny Status Messages

   I wish instead of aiming to please, I could just start shooting to kill. I think it would make me feel better.

   i would like to thank you people for letting me know its friday every week its thoughts like this that keep me on facebook.

   Whats the point of making a movie based on a book? Whenever the movie is mentioned, someone has always has to respond with, "The book was better"!!!

   Every terrorist, "OK, OK EVERYBODY CALM DOWN, WHO HERE HAS SEEN WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S??"

   I like my coffee the way I like my bed... made by someone else.

   I'm not a proctologist...but I know an A**HOLE when I see one

   Notice in a Library: " While reading the kamasutra , please hold the book with both Hands."

   Wow The ones u'd take a bullet for are the ones holding the trigger!!

   never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted

   filling my blow up doll with helium so she plays hard to get

   thinks it's hilarious how infomercials and product commercials make simple tasks such as draining pasta or cleaning toilets seem like life-threatening obstacles.

   The number one lie in the whole world is...i swear I will love you forever..

   It's especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock.

   I wonder who's forehead would win in a head-butting contest between Tyra Banks and Rihanna?

   ust had a swell idea for an invention... Rear-facing high-beams to flash into the eyes of those discourteous tailgating drivers!

   I think the best way to prove to an ex that you don't think about them anymore is to write and produce a song saying so.

   I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.

   My Wife said the other day "Do you still love me now that I'm getting old and fat?". Apparently "you're not old" was an inppropriate response.

   Just in case you needed another reason to hate Kim Kardashian. She just bought Kayne a $750,000 Lambo for his b-day.

   Graduations, Engagements, Babies…I don't understand why I'm obligated to get you a gift for YOUR bad decisions?