Funny Status Messages

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.

   If at first you don't succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)

   If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew at Edwards Air Force Base to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands

   Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have died so damn quickly!

   Thank you Facebook, for making stalking a little easier for everyone by copying comments we've written on other posts under our own recent activity so there's absolutely no privacy left.

   I totally take back all of those times I didn't nap when I was a kid...

   Making mirrors look good, since 1979

   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead."

   When the world gives you lemons, make orange juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

   the awkward moment when you get in the van and the old man doesnt have any candy.....

   How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?

   went to a shrink today. She says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other biyach!

   We should start seeing Valentine's Day crap in the stores any minute now.

   A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.

   once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along

   If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

   Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"

   I've been waiting for this moment ever since I got up... goodnight!

   "You will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory" - Spongebob

   On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.