Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   Had a mishap while making coffee just now that is best explained through interpretive dance...

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.

   My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".

   Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

   I assumed a coworker was pregnant. She told me no, just six months fat... We laughed and laughed and then she stabbed me.

   They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed,,, act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaaay better than you.

   If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.