Funny Status Messages

   Those people who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen obviously never had my ex-wife's cooking....

   Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.

   I've been voted Most Likely.

   This is your captain speaking, we're going to make a slight detour while I search for a Wifi signal

   Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can't use it.

   I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with you

   I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon"…

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.

   I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.

   Do these boxers, this bag of chips, and couch make me look single?

   "Your career could be in jeopardy" ~ Alex Trebek's agent in 1984

   Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?

   Waiting 2 hrs for an important call...hops in shower ....phone rings..

   Walk into a flower shop and ask to see their selction of chlamydias. That never gets old.

   I'm surprised that cartons of Soy Milk don't have pictures of missing vegan children on the back.

   True friendship is when you walk into their house and your wifi connects automatically ;)

   If you live in a custom-built house that doesn't have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?

   Statistically speaking, once I introduce you to my family there's a 100% chance we won't work out as a couple

   I'm old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   Ten minutes left in the workday. This is where I use the restroom, and wash my hands for a long time.