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I still think if people put "whats on their mind" and were honest... statistically the most popular status update would be "sex." 
Life is full of disappointments, I'll just add you to the list.
Thank goodness pets can't talk, they know way too much.
Don't piss me off and then tell me to calm down. That's just like stabbing someone and then asking them not to bleed.
Thinks its funny that cigarettes have a warning label on one side, and special offers on the other.
They say milk gives you strength. Drink 3 glasses and move a wall. You can't. But drink 3 shots of vodka and see - the wall moves on its own! :p =D
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
I've been calling this random number asking for John all day with diffrent voices.. When I get home I'm going to call him back and say "this is John, do I have any messages"..
It's not my birthday, but I'll take a spanking anyway.
Whenever I wake up on my own, I am automatically thrown in a panic of whether or not I slept through my alarm.
Dont you hate it when somebody turns on the light to wake you up and you're just like -_o
Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.
Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.
Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage.
Guy next to me ordered a vodka cranberry "light on the vodka". I had to go to another bar, I cannot be around someone who acts like that.
The new mouthwash I bought says "24 HOUR PROTECTION ....use twice daily"
Why spend all that time in school to be a doctor,, when you can save lives by forwarding an email or reposting a status on your Facebook wall?
I cant take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you are coming to my room.
Why do the people that should never reproduce have the most kids?!?!
I think the show " America's Got Talent " Should have a question mark at the end of it
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