Funny Status Messages

   As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.

   The arrival of pubic hair means, "Welcome to the prime of your life". The arrival of ear hair means, "Thanks for playing"

   #LADIES!, Wanna know if your man cheating ? Snatch his phone run in the bathroom if he try to kick the door down "You aren't the only one"

   if you ask me my sign so you can see if we're compatible or not, I'll save you the suspense... we're not.

   Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   Can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears® shampoo.

   2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up

   So I saw a butterfly with no wings today, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned...

   I watch so much of the Investigation Discovery channel, I can kill you and make it look like the Easter Bunny did it.

   I can't stop drinking about you.

   I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say 'I would do anything for love'. On the back, 'But I wont do that!'

   Bored? Update your Facebook to "in a relationship" with someone you've never met just to see if they'll confirm.

   whenever I start to get tired of being single... I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship is like.

   So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn't even have to happen at all.

   Honk if you love Jesus! Text while you drive if you want to meet him!

   Pro driving tip: Look in your rear view mirror. If there's a long line of traffic behind you but no one in front of you, you're an ass.

   The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell others think.

   Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops?

   wakes up grumpy, but most days he just lets her sleep....

   We should be able to Text 911, you know, just in case you're hiding from a serial killer and can't talk.