BEGO Funny Status Messages

   It's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it's never forgotten.

   girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old s?it

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon.

   Stop warning stupid people and give evolution a chance to work its wonderful process.

   When your foot falls asleep, that's God's way of saying... "Move, your lazy a$s!"

   Big Sunglasses: An ugly chick's best friend.

   The best way to get over your ex? Get under someone else!

   This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

   Don't talk to me until I've had 7 coffees.

   You never realize you need toilet paper until it's too late.

   If breakups never existed, the music industry would go BANKRUPT.

   When I'm on the phone I move my arms around when I'm giving directions even if the person can't see me.

   Just remember, someone loves everything you hate about yourself.

   It's amazing the places I travel to when I'm talking on the phone.

   Ladies, show me your duck lips and I'll show you some duct tape.

   You're inspirational Facebook update: ❒Inspires me. ✔Wastes my time. ✔ Inspires me to unfriend you.

   1 new message: runs for phone, jumps over sofa, runs a marathon, swims Atlantic ocean, pushes mom out the way. grabs phone...."k" FUUUUUUU!

   Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.

   After last night's drunken escapades, I'd think my friends should have had better judgement than to be friends with me.