Funny Status Messages

   I've just bought a new boomarang; took me 3 weeks to throw the old one away!

   This Green Mountain Coffee is said to have "Spellbinding complexity, intense flavor and strong character." What the hell? I'm looking for a caffeine jolt, not a soulmate...

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   A minor typo has made me realize what an adorable thing it would be to have a significant otter.

   Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck!

   hmm, not sure if the thermometer is laughing at me (lol) or if it actually says 101..

   If Kanye didn’t sing “Gold Digger” while Kim walked down the aisle, I’m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding

   When a woman says shes, "old fashioned" I just assume she wears giant underwear and has a tremendous amount of pubic hair.

   People who cancel their Facebook account are the real heroes.

   If silly putty would have applied itself, it could have been serious putty.

   Oh sweetie, 19 year olds aren't "hot moms". Your just a teenager that got knocked up. Try again when you're 40.

   My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.

   I get angry when I think about how much time I spent learning to write cursive.

   I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at Walmart.

   You look chatty. I’ll take the next elevator.

   People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.

    Coffee (n.): a magical substance that turns "leave me alone, or die!" into "good morning people of the world".

   They will take you for granted as long as they know you will always take them back.

   If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?