Funny Status Messages

   Why does the weather man try and educate me on mother nature? Bro, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow... hoodie or jacket...

   Anyone have a truck I can borrow? I need to drag some ATMs about a mile or so

   Hello drama... I didn't see you come in.... this party is by invitation only and I don't see your name on the guest list.... I'm gonna have to ask you to please exit quietly

   Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen.

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm denying your existence.

   After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)

   I hate these frozen TV dinners that gotta make things so complicated. Lets see... microwave on medium for 4 minutes then stir potatoes.... Stir potatoes???? Do I look like Wolfgang Puck?

   Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon

   Songs with sirens in them should not be allowed on the car radio as they trick me when i'm driving.

   Happy "Romantically Challenged" Day.

   My FB account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

   The words there, their, and they're do NOT mean the same thing.

   Every time you lie to your kid and tell them that some dumb thing they did is "great"... you're potentially creating the next Ke$ha.

   People better watch their P's & Q's before I start handing out F's and U's...

   Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.

   I just don't know if women like me. I know when they don't like me 'cause they'll say things like, 'Yeah, that's him, officer.'

   i'm going to take a pic of my son and use age progression to see what he looks like at 16. I'll keep it in his room, and when he finally figures out its him, I'm gonna try and convince him he's a time traveler

   We all have a family member who think they're a professional photographer.

   You know you're short when you can see your feet in your driver's license!

   Some girls need to realize that having fat on their bodies doesn't make them fat - it makes them alive.