Funny Status Messages

   Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

   Just rescued a beer that was trapped in the fridge!

   once cops get smart enough to put a breathalyzer test at the end of a Taco Bell drive-thru WE'RE ALL SCREWED!

   I haven't seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?

   Note to self, don't introduce yourself to the new neighbors until they have all the heavy stuff moved in.

   Anyone have a truck I can borrow? I need to drag some ATMs about a mile or so

   Why does the weather man try and educate me on mother nature? Bro, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow... hoodie or jacket...

   Because of texting, todays generation has no idea of the horror felt when get caught passing a note in class and having the teacher make you read it out loud!

   That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   Batman has a lot of cool toys,, but if he uses anything but a laser pointer to catch Catwoman in the next movie,, I'll be really disappointed.

   I don't get these "my body is a temple" people. I prefer to think of mine as a "bar & grill."

   People would be way more pissed if that guy ate a puppy's face

   why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you

   It is amazing how many problems you can solve by ignoring them.

   smaller the breasts, better the eye contact

   Playing hard to get should stop when the relationship starts.

   You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.

   Lighters should have an attached sticker that reads: Caution: Will go missing in a week.

   Count Chocula, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and the Teddy Grahams Bear perish in house fire. S'more at eleven.