Funny Status Messages

   -- The Icelandic volcano that has fu***d the majority of Europe's air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as 'fell asleep on my keyboard'.....

   I keep hitting the "escape" key...but I'm still here

   Don't worry about people from your past, There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

   - I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.....Then I thought, screw it....

   I laid awake all night again worrying about why I'm always so tired

   It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep

   At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted?

   This girl I know is thinking about havin beer pong at her reception... that's walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."

   Early map makers were mostly men, which explains why Florida was usually drawn about 3 inches longer than its actual size.

   looking at photos and seeing how much weight I've gained which has inspired me to make a resolution for 2011: NO MORE PHOTOS!

   I hate people that are conceited. I am so much better than them.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.

   Febreeze should make underwear.

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I understand women. Great, now I'm crying.

   It's amazing how fast you can get drunk when you hate everyone around you.

   Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.

   95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.

   I'm not always a gentleman in the bedroom, but I will hold the door for you so you can leave afterwards

   My wife's safe word: "Not tonight"