Funny Status Messages

   -- The Icelandic volcano that has fu***d the majority of Europe's air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as 'fell asleep on my keyboard'.....

   I keep hitting the "escape" key...but I'm still here

   Don't worry about people from your past, There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

   - I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.....Then I thought, screw it....

   For Sale: (year you were born here) (your name here). Has a lot of mileage, but still rides like a dream.

   - in the year 2010 the AUS government will be shipping all retards away. My eyes watered when I thought of losing you. Be strong. Take your crayons.

   facing facts; his only hope is the lottery.

   Since it's so hard to find new blades, I had to look at getting a new razor. But after looking at the names I'm a little confused: the Mach 4, the Hydro, the Fusion, the Nitro... Am I buying a shaver or a f*cking jetpack?

   Would it be good news or bad news if your Girlfriend told you that she was already married???

   People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   I went snorkeling so I could brag to my friends, but I'm having problems photoshopping the bathtub out of the pictures.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.

   Febreeze should make underwear.

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I understand women. Great, now I'm crying.

   It's amazing how fast you can get drunk when you hate everyone around you.

   Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.

   95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.

   I'm not always a gentleman in the bedroom, but I will hold the door for you so you can leave afterwards

   My wife's safe word: "Not tonight"

   If you live by the sword, I guess that's pretty cool. I live by some trees and other houses