Funny Status Messages

   If my wife ends an argument with "Fine, do what you want!" I'm pretty sure the words "If you do, I'll stab you in your sleep" are implied.

   I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

   Dear naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten

   I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck?

   Hey Febreze, the broken carnival ship would be a real good test for your commercial

   Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"........................ Idiots.

   Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   I'm going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837.

   A salesman knocks on the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a burning cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Is your mom or dad home? " The boys says , "Does it look like it?"

   Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   Unhinged panic porn you can trust ~ CNN

   I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.

   How about instead of flirting and carrying on a conversation under my status that has nothing to do with it's original topic, you try using the chat window, the poke button, or maybe even do it the old fashioned way! Call the B!tch!!!

   It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

   My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums!!

   thinks the most used sexual position amoung married couples is doggy style, the husband sits and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

   I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Which means I have nineteen hours to do six months of flossing.

   In the end, I will remember not the words of my enemies, but the silence of my friends.

   DUDE! The vending machine gave me TWO!"

   The word tsunami is not in my phones predictive text dictionary. So if you get a text from me saying, thumang!! Get the off the beach.