Funny Status Messages

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.

   The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse

   Three weeks without a signal typo!

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150.

   I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

   I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. Someone is a marketing genius.

   I've reached an awkward stage in my life where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hair line of a guy who yells at skateboarders.

   You know it's a lazy morning when you start to contemplate how coffee would taste if you skipped the brewing process and just ate it straight out of the can like Fun Dip.

   ..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

   asks: Is it wrong to want to be the designated driver just so you can drop obnoxious drunk a$$holes off at random houses that aren't theirs?

   relationships are hard work, more like a full time job. Hence they should be treated as such. If she wants to leave me, she must give me 2 weeks notice, severance pay and help me get a temp assistant.

   I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

   A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control

   Everything is funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.

   The gang war between the squirrels and the raccoons must be escalating, based on the number of drive-by victims on the side of the road.

   After all these years, I'm surprised nobody at CSI has found the light switch in their office.

   I am trashing the living room right now and spilling milk and cereal on the kitchen floor, then I will throw toys all over the yard.... this way the kids will be able to rest tomorrow.

   I can be the only guy at Walmart at two in the morning but as soon as I whip that box of Tampax on the belt, the checkout line is full and they do a price check.

   says it's no wonder the Earth ALWAYS wins the Miss Universe Competition....No other planet has EVER entered the competition!