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I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. Someone is a marketing genius. 
I've reached an awkward stage in my life where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hair line of a guy who yells at skateboarders.
My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.
The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse
Three weeks without a signal typo!
I had to explain to my brother that a milf is supposed to be someone else's mother..
A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?
It seems so unfair, someone that filled millions of hearts with joy and laughter, suffered from the deep pain of depression. ..... RIP Robin Williams
I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
relationships are hard work, more like a full time job. Hence they should be treated as such. If she wants to leave me, she must give me 2 weeks notice, severance pay and help me get a temp assistant.
I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.
A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control
Everything is funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.
The gang war between the squirrels and the raccoons must be escalating, based on the number of drive-by victims on the side of the road.
After all these years, I'm surprised nobody at CSI has found the light switch in their office.
I am trashing the living room right now and spilling milk and cereal on the kitchen floor, then I will throw toys all over the yard.... this way the kids will be able to rest tomorrow.
I can be the only guy at Walmart at two in the morning but as soon as I whip that box of Tampax on the belt, the checkout line is full and they do a price check.
says it's no wonder the Earth ALWAYS wins the Miss Universe Competition....No other planet has EVER entered the competition!
The economy is so bad, If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them. 