Funny Status Messages

   luckily for some adults, illiteracy is not a crime.

   just completed Step 1) Cut a hole in a box.

   In the 60's and 70's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

   There is no such thing as government money, only taxpayer money.

   My mask broke while I was in a store and I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

   i have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member

   I got a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order but still....

   I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

   it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   Walking past a new employee's desk & yelling, "Do you think it's a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.

   Dear MTV, I was wondering if I could get my "M" back..... you know, since you're not using it. Sincerely, _usic

   was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers ! ! !

   Dear gas station owners, instead of selling condoms and novelty items in your restrooms, how about you sell toilet paper that doesn't make your butthole bleed? Just a thought.

   A guy from kentucky won a 60 million dollar jackpot recently. He said he's going to split all the money with his wife and sister. Wow, that's one lucky woman.

   How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.