Funny Status Messages

   I just saw a guy with a hook hand and a ponytail. Dude, you cut off the wrong thing.

   Why is it that the Troubleshooting sections of user manuals address every problem except the one you are having?

   "Nothing but Ben Affleck/Batman crap. Why the hell am I even here??" -NSA guy

   If I had boobs, I'd never be able to look up again.

   I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.

   So when is the next end of the world???

   Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7.

   I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.

   If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

   BET AWARDS MAYHEM - this happens every time these people get together. No, I don't mean b lack people, I mean silly rap ''artists''.

   Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

   At the end of each day I ask myself, "Where's my damn Oscar for that?"

   I got a little over-aggressive on the trampoline so my 2 year old should be landing in a couple of minutes.

   The problem with frozen yoghurt is that it's not ice cream.

   All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.

   Things you need to know about me: 1- I'm lazy 2- hmm, one is enough

   That moment you realise you're a result of sex.

   The downside of being tolerant is all the stuff you have to tolerate.

   Don't ever change for anyone. Nothing is worth compromising your beliefs. Unless it's for money.

   That 3D ultrasound photo you posted is scaring the sh*t out of everyone.