Funny Status Messages

   An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.

   I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy

   In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.

   I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

   Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.

   Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.

   This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.

   If we wait patiently, eventually we'll all play Batman in a movie.

   PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.

   What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you're here on Facebook?

   It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.

   Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"

   Karma: the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism: the ability to sit back, enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.

   Am I the only one that thinks the "Affluenza" Mom looks a heck of a lot like Carrot Top?

   ..... Judging by the way some women wear makeup it's rather obvious they didn't excel at coloring as a kid ....

   GERMAN. Scientist "I've created super broccoli to fight heart disease"... U.S. Scientist "I've created a way to stuff an oreo inside another oreo"

   As I admired my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I'm going to get kicked out of this Home Depot any minute now."

   Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."

   I wanna get rich enough to say to someone "nonsense, you can stay in our guest house"

   Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.