Funny Status Messages

   you ever had a job where you would just sit on the toilet just to kill time?

   I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company's Board of Directors.

   Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*

   In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.

   I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

   Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.

   PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.

   What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you're here on Facebook?

   It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.

   Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"

   Karma: the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism: the ability to sit back, enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.

   While driving I listen to my music fairly loud until the minute I can't find something I'm looking for. Then there must be complete silence in order for me to see.

   Judging from the ads that constantly besiege us, I guess TV execs think that the only ones home watching TV during the day are injured at work, sick from a recalled medication, or unemployed with an abundance of gold jewelry.

   Nobody says “long story short” unless it's already too late…

   I never use parking meters. The "time expired" sign gives me the creeps.

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   I like you... People say I've got no taste, but I like you...

   When in roam, watch out for those hidden charges...

   It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts...