Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!

   Having great sex after a long dry-spell is like a car accident. The next day you're sore in places you wouldn't think possible.

   If you get a booty call at 3AM.…. You probably weren't first on the list.

   I'm tired of boiled eggs so I'm hiding scrambled eggs this year.

   Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable. So whenever I open a mason jar of moonshine, I always log on to Facebook.

   Just once I'd like to learn something the easy way.

   What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts" ?

   I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.

   If you see a woman drinking Coors immediately ask her on a date cause she'll swallow anything.

   Be yourself, you already have the costume.

   Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.

   I study Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in Mad Black Lady, I'm forsaking both and signing up.

   If you're going to do something stupid and you know it's stupid, make sure you say "fu*k it" beforehand. It's like the thumbs up.

   If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don't live longer, just seems longer.

   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   If you've never held your baby in the air while your wife tries to squirt breastmilk in its mouth from across the room then you're a failure as a parent..

   If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.

   Dec 21st falls on a Friday... What a sh*tty way to start the weekend..

   You can't choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.

   Just read an article about an invasive species of shrimp in U.S. waters that are up to 13 inches in length and weigh up to a 1/4 pound............................................... Give me some c0cktail sauce and I will personally do what I can to help.