BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.

   A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.

   I have a button on my microwave that says stop time. I assume its for the timer but I don't touch it just in case.

   Time I spend listening to music - 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones - 17 minutes

   There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"

   It's not that I need Anger Management, it's that others need Stupidity Management.

   Go deep throat a cactus.

   If your relationship status says, " It's complicated" then you're single!!!!!!

   Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.

   Ladies, If you would simply make your Facebook profile pic a bikini shot, it would save me a lot of awkward stalking time.

   Facebook should invent a relationship status that says "Only when i'm drunk."

   Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out? ;)

   Accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.

   Being in a relationship is not about kissing, dates or showing off. It's about being with the person who makes you happy.

   I am sure that in alcohol are female hormones. When I drink I talk too much and dont know how to drive.

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home

   My Mom + My Dad - Condom = Greatest Person Ever

   Fat Chicks, if you're going to order a salad with ham, dressing, croutons, and bacon, just order a sandwich.

   Pretty sure I could make an entire meal with the crumbs in my keyboard.

   WORD OF ADVICE: The key to a lasting relationship is keeping the fights clean and the sex dirty.