Funny Status Messages

   Every time I read "ROFL", I hear Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   Forgive me God, for the blessings I don't even notice

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice... Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

   I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they bought on Black Friday

   Thank you: hard shell tacos, for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking the the moment I put something inside you.

   doesnt skinny dip...i chunky dunk

   if you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step....

   Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy

   The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actualy kill me

   Admit it....You once made a little kid cry, and then made them laugh so you wouldn't get in trouble...

   I text u, you take 30 mins to reply, I'm with u, ur hands r glued to ur phone....

   Does Facebook ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I don't care who changed their profile picture?

   Post a pic of your favorite nut to help raise awareness of testicular cancer. The goal is to see nothing but nuts for the rest of the year. (

   You know you're addicted to Facebook when you log off your computer, leave the house, get in your car and log back on using your phone.

   Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

   Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.

   Immature = a word, boring people use to describe fun people

   If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously, punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

   I am currently putting together a workout video called "8 Year Abs"