Funny Status Messages

   Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy

   I text u, you take 30 mins to reply, I'm with u, ur hands r glued to ur phone....

   Does Facebook ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I don't care who changed their profile picture?

   Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

   Post a pic of your favorite nut to help raise awareness of testicular cancer. The goal is to see nothing but nuts for the rest of the year. (

   You know you're addicted to Facebook when you log off your computer, leave the house, get in your car and log back on using your phone.

   Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.

   If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously, punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

   Immature = a word, boring people use to describe fun people

   How I eat my ramen: 1. Boil water 2. Eat dry ramen noodle block 3. Drink boiling water 4. Snort seasoning packet 5. Cry myself to sleep

   I am currently putting together a workout video called "8 Year Abs"

   WOW!!! Your profile picture is a car, I never knew you were a transformer.

   I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there's a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it

   I went to walmart today... I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof.... This always happens to me.

   I bet cats are pissed they can't sit on televisions anymore.

   My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair...

   I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.

   Apparently my microwave has two settings....Cold in the center and Surface of the sun...

   Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.