Funny Status Messages

   When I die I want the Cleveland browns to be my Pallbearers so they can let me down one last time

   Chicks can only stay at their boyfriend's place for about 3 days, then they finally need to go home and use the toilet.

   just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."

   Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.

   My girl came down from taking a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my vajayjay in the bath and you know what that means?" I said, "The drain is clogged?"

   I see my self as a crayon, maybe I'm not yourr favorite color, but one day you will need me to complete your picture.

   Whoops! Some vodka fell in my glass... Better clean that up...

   I got gas today for $2.45 to bad it was from taco bell

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that.."

   I usually don't care what people are saying until they start whispering.

   Women like silent men... they think they're listening!

   I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs or anything but I would have made the iPhone charger about 5 feet longer...

   When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

   Life caught me caring and punished me accordingly.

   "You've changed" ... No, I think the proper term is "I've stopped trying to please your ass."

   When life hands you lemons, squirt the juice in your eye..the stinging sensation will stop your whining.

   One of the best parts about Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading the Status Updates people post after a night of drinking.

   Never tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

   Just some helpful advice.. If someone shows up at your job with a camera crew and says they are doing a documentary about your job... you're probably on an episode of Undercover Boss..

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.