Funny Status Messages

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear

   Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

   "Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man." All races are asssssshooole equally.

   I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.

   Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.

   “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   I've been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea what the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button is for

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   Russian and Ukrainian troops in Crimea are involved in a tense stand-off. The latest reports are that France has already surrendered....

   Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.

   just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."

   My girl came down from taking a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my vajayjay in the bath and you know what that means?" I said, "The drain is clogged?"

   I see my self as a crayon, maybe I'm not yourr favorite color, but one day you will need me to complete your picture.

   I usually don't care what people are saying until they start whispering.

   I got gas today for $2.45 to bad it was from taco bell

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that.."