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Waiting for Kanye to jump into the ICU and tell Lil Wayne that his death is tragic.... But Tupac had the best rap death of all time. 
Dear Axe Bodyspray, Please create a new bottle that allows only one spary every 24 hours. Thank you for your consideration. Signed, Mother of a ten year old boy
If you've ever said "Haters gonna hate", you can go ahead and add me to that list.
THE WORST: I just spent $30 on apples at Whole Foods and then dropped both of them!
Okay, I'll admit it. I just don't have the stamina required by most women. I mean, who can listen to a story for 40 minutes?
If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
I just got flipped off from a guy in a smart car. I didnt know if I should be mad or laugh.
There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha
Where do residents of Hawaii win all expenses paid vacations to?
Never get on one knee for a girl that won't get on two for you..
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
It seems I have 3 personalities. One that has a plan, one that completely screws up the plan, and one that says "what the hell happened to the plan?"......
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Walked into the bank today and asked the teller if she could check my balance… She leaned over and pushed me.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing
I shouldn't have had that 14th cup of coffee... I CAN'T EVEN BLINK ANYMORE! 