Funny Status Messages

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   I typed my ex's address into my gps and instead of directions the voice said "I don't think you really want to go there"

   I heard a fantastic idea today. Instead of the strip-screener machines at the airport, we need a reinforced isolation chamber, once in, any explosives on the body are somehow detonated. Everyone is happy.

   it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!

   you have thousands of friends, but very little comments....What does that tell you?

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   I miss the days when the scariest thing on TV was "The Twilight Zone" and not "The Nightly News."

   Never get on one knee for a girl that won't get on two for you..

   Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

   It seems I have 3 personalities. One that has a plan, one that completely screws up the plan, and one that says "what the hell happened to the plan?"......

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.

   Walked into the bank today and asked the teller if she could check my balance… She leaned over and pushed me.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.

   It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing

   Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate

   So Osama Bin Ladens dead....Amazing what Americans can do when playstation network is down

   Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth