Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.

   Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?

   I never win at Scrable

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.

   Even if they sold ten-ply toilet paper, I would still fold it at least twice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I have trust issues.

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.

   The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man's ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.

   I'm so old... I grew up in an era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games.

   The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

   Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants