Snotty Funny Status Messages

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

   I’m the world record holder for the most arguments won against a woman................................................. 1 to be exact

   Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.

   Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?

   I never win at Scrable

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.

   This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth.. She's down to the final 4.

   American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   Even if they sold ten-ply toilet paper, I would still fold it at least twice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I have trust issues.

   I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.