Jake Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 22:55 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bad decision: Believing we're from the government and we're here to help you.
←Rate | 07-24-2018 03:53 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
←Rate | 06-07-2018 03:21 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
←Rate | 10-12-2017 23:20 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.
←Rate | 03-30-2018 22:47 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches
←Rate | 04-26-2018 23:38 by Jake Comments (1)  


   messageicon When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.
←Rate | 07-06-2018 20:08 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as the head of household.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 21:20 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
←Rate | 07-24-2018 20:59 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 08:36 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Place a "DRY PAINT" sign on a park bench. And watch how many people avoid sitting on the bench.
←Rate | 09-25-2017 01:11 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon In a gay casino, a queen beats a straight every time.
←Rate | 09-10-2017 02:06 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My son is really struggling with english in school. Nobody else in his class can speak it.
←Rate | 03-08-2018 01:17 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seven qualities I look for in a woman. 1. Beautiful. 2. Intelligent. 3. Gentle. 4. Thoughtful. 5. Innocent. 6. Trustworthy. 7. Sensible . Or in short B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
←Rate | 07-21-2018 03:10 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."
←Rate | 06-01-2018 15:44 by Jake Comments (1)  


   messageicon I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.
←Rate | 01-11-2018 20:40 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)
←Rate | 01-27-2018 15:28 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 08:23 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I spent alot of time trying to get all of my eldest relatives together in one room with no luck............. Then BINGO
←Rate | 05-25-2018 22:23 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Father inlaw: A priest who is also a lawyer.
←Rate | 07-04-2018 19:24 by Jake Comments (0)  



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