Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.

   I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldn't have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

   You know your vacation sucks when you're constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!

   Why do the guys at Footlocker get so mad when they can't force you to buy socks or extra shoe cleaner.

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies...

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.

   I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it's two boobs.

   "I can't go. I have to stay home and stare at my wife." - All my married friends

   People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.

   n't it ironic that to be popular on social networks, you have to sacrifice your social life.

   Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

   Only 16 more days for December to Remember that, no one loves you enough to buy you a Lexus.

   Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.

   When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time it's hard not to think to yourself... "I've licked your daughter's nipples."

   Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   If you didn't talk to me in High School then don't request to be my friend on Facebook.

   Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.

   Stop complaining about your relationship if you're gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..