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Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn. 
If you want to cry use a tissue; not your Facebook status. !!
Your duty as a best friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Word of the day: Exhaustipated. Just too tired to give a sh!!t.
When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.
I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”
You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?
You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.
Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.
I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.
ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.
I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???
Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last! 