Funny Status Messages

   Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom's wastepaper basket.

   I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom

   Telling your kids you remember when gas was $.99 is like your Grandparents telling you they remember walking to school in the snow barefooted... Both were a long long time ago & will never happen again...

   I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories

   200 Happy Birthday Messages on my wall and all I got was a Farmville tractor.

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

   Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

   Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!

   Trust is like an eraser, smaller after every new mistake

   Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."