Funny Status Messages

   Who the hell is Kim Kardashian and why should I care?

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.

   The reason I don't play Scrabble online, is that I can't throw the tiles at the person who beats me.

   Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.

   If you want to cry use a tissue; not your Facebook status. !!

   Your duty as a best friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck

   Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.

   Word of the day: Exhaustipated. Just too tired to give a sh!!t.

   When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.

   I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.

   What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake

   Everyone thinks that girls dream about finding the perfect guy, pssht we dream about eating whatever we want and not getting fat!

   My friend told me not to say anything about her new boyfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on his normal one.

   if I live to be over 100 I'm gonna tell people something crazy of how I've lived to be that old like I ate a pine cone everyday or something like that.

   I've come to a life altering decision. I'm giving up the guitar, and gonna to learn to play that thing in the Ricola commercials.

   Your liver is the only organ that can regenerate itself. I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!

   My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.

   I'm hungry, but I'm not 'cook something' hungry.