Funny Status Messages

   If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

   Type 'things I did last night' into google and hit the I'm feeling lucky button

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   You've been backstabbed, rejected, unwanted, abandoned, betrayed, tricked, lied to, ridiculed, cheated on, heartbroken, defeated, and said NO to all your life...Did it kill you? Of course not...just made you stronger. USE IT.

   Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.

   - LMAOSHBCSOOMN: Laughing my ass off so hard beer came shooting out of my nose

   Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life.

   A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar, you cheap ba$tard!

   has anyone ever checked out their reflection in the side of their car and thought "damn I would make one sexy ass midget!"

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities.

   You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."

   Sleep is like sex... I don't get either one as much as I want.

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   Oh lord, give me patience and inner peace because if you give me strength, I might just punch somebody in the face.

   If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.

   Has that kid in the Dreamworks logo even caught a single fish yet?

   Congress just passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another....In other words, my trip out of town for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.

   The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.

   Lindsay Lohan should at least have to spend as much time in jail as we have to spend hearing about it.

   Facebook reminds me daily how moving out of my hometown was a great idea