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Pandora: *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* runs out of skips.. *changes station* 
I'm already an idiot, I just need a village
Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.
Your not old until your toenails look like Frito chips.
Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.
Don't tell me to make myself at home if you don't want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
When we start seeing our posts used by comedians...It's time to band together and sue!
What so sad is when you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.
Just walked out of Wal Mart and thought to myself... "Wow, I've never seen it that empty with customers". Then it hit me... WrestleMania is on tonight.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Facebook buys Instagram for $1B! A website that makes people better looking. They probably could have bought Smirnoff for half of that.
I hate when crumbs fall down your cleavage.....sometimes I think my boobs eat more than I do
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three. 