Funny Status Messages

   - Definition of Keyring---A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your f**king keys at once.....

   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

   Wife says to husband: "u make love like you decorate." Husband: "How, very slow and like a professional?" Wife:" Nope, I always have to finish the job myself."

   I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...

   A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum...

   this status has been made from 90% recycled status posts. Just doing my part to keep Facebook Clean and clutter Free.

   The only reason why people hold onto memories is because memories are the only things that don't change when everyone else does.

   The ultimate feeling of opening a jar that everyone else struggled with......Ohhh Yeeaaaa!!

   I just read that birth control pills can prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.

   Username or Password Incorrect” You couldn't just tell me which one?

   The Mayans are now on the clock

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   I've never seen that tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   This SunnyD tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   I really dont get the need for these giant 24 hour combination superstores. I have never in the middle of the night decided I just had to have a chainsaw, bicycle helmet and whipped cream.... wait... I take that back....

   When I was a kid, I used to think that the moon followed my car

   I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands

   What's with people who come on Facebook to announce that they are in a bad mood and they want to be left alone, so no one should text or call them? No one was ever going text/call your cranky a$$ anyways.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

   If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gunna do it again!!