Funny Status Messages

   A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar, you cheap ba$tard!

   has anyone ever checked out their reflection in the side of their car and thought "damn I would make one sexy ass midget!"

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities.

   You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."

   Sleep is like sex... I don't get either one as much as I want.

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   The only reason why people hold onto memories is because memories are the only things that don't change when everyone else does.

   The ultimate feeling of opening a jar that everyone else struggled with......Ohhh Yeeaaaa!!

   I just read that birth control pills can prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.

   Username or Password Incorrect” You couldn't just tell me which one?

   The Mayans are now on the clock

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   I've never seen that tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   This SunnyD tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   I really dont get the need for these giant 24 hour combination superstores. I have never in the middle of the night decided I just had to have a chainsaw, bicycle helmet and whipped cream.... wait... I take that back....

   When I was a kid, I used to think that the moon followed my car

   I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands

   What's with people who come on Facebook to announce that they are in a bad mood and they want to be left alone, so no one should text or call them? No one was ever going text/call your cranky a$$ anyways.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

   If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gunna do it again!!