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Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk. 
- LMAOSHBCSOOMN: Laughing my ass off so hard beer came shooting out of my nose
Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life.
A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar, you cheap ba$tard!
has anyone ever checked out their reflection in the side of their car and thought "damn I would make one sexy ass midget!"
If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities.
You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."
Sleep is like sex... I don't get either one as much as I want.
NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.
The only reason why people hold onto memories is because memories are the only things that don't change when everyone else does.
The ultimate feeling of opening a jar that everyone else struggled with......Ohhh Yeeaaaa!!
I just read that birth control pills can prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.
Username or Password Incorrect” You couldn't just tell me which one?
The Mayans are now on the clock
Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.
I've never seen that tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."
This SunnyD tastes like I can't afford orange juice.
I really dont get the need for these giant 24 hour combination superstores. I have never in the middle of the night decided I just had to have a chainsaw, bicycle helmet and whipped cream.... wait... I take that back....
When I was a kid, I used to think that the moon followed my car
I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands 