Funny Status Messages

   Type 'things I did last night' into google and hit the I'm feeling lucky button

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   You've been backstabbed, rejected, unwanted, abandoned, betrayed, tricked, lied to, ridiculed, cheated on, heartbroken, defeated, and said NO to all your life...Did it kill you? Of course not...just made you stronger. USE IT.

   Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.

   - LMAOSHBCSOOMN: Laughing my ass off so hard beer came shooting out of my nose

   Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life.

   A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar, you cheap ba$tard!

   has anyone ever checked out their reflection in the side of their car and thought "damn I would make one sexy ass midget!"

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities.

   You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."

   Sleep is like sex... I don't get either one as much as I want.

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   thankfully does not live in a yellow submarine.

   You post constant status updates about what TV show you're watching and what you're eating for dinner. You're not allowed to whine when people get excited for football once a week.

   A bad Walmart greeting just ruins the whole experience.

   wouldn't mind seeing the cast of "Jersey Shore" stuck in a coal mine for a couple of months. No TV cameras allowed.

   thinks MTV should change its name to Empty V.

   I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   embarrassed himself at a funeral today - the shop didn't have any condolence cards left so he just bought a "Hope You'll Be Happy In Your New Home!" one instead.

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"