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I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone. 
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.
Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
thinks MTV should change its name to Empty V.
I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
embarrassed himself at a funeral today - the shop didn't have any condolence cards left so he just bought a "Hope You'll Be Happy In Your New Home!" one instead.
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.
Stand up for what is right, even if you're standing alone.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I've even said anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I'm an a$$hole. It probably isn't.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
going to order a load of bubble wrap just to see what it's delivered in.
79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, good news for the homeless.
I've given up jogging for GOOD! I realized it was hazardous to my health after my thighs rubbed together so much my underwear caught on fire!
#192.168.1.1 I'm only friends with you because you're too stupid to secure your router ;)
When you and your significant other is having an argument, just take all of your clothes off during the spat and stand there. Something is bound to happen.
Wife says to husband: "u make love like you decorate." Husband: "How, very slow and like a professional?" Wife:" Nope, I always have to finish the job myself."
I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...
A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum...
this status has been made from 90% recycled status posts. Just doing my part to keep Facebook Clean and clutter Free. 