Funny Status Messages

   Friends are like underwear.... Some crawl up your butt... Some snap under pressure... Some don't have the strength to hold you up... Some get a little twisted... Some are your favorite.Some are cheap & just plain nasty.And some actually do cover your butt

   Brunette: what r you doing? Blonde: trying 2 commit suicide. Brunette: the rope goes around your neck, not your waist. Blonde: Tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

   I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting

   This SunnyD tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   I really dont get the need for these giant 24 hour combination superstores. I have never in the middle of the night decided I just had to have a chainsaw, bicycle helmet and whipped cream.... wait... I take that back....

   When I was a kid, I used to think that the moon followed my car

   The Mayans are now on the clock

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   I've never seen that tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   The only reason why people hold onto memories is because memories are the only things that don't change when everyone else does.

   The ultimate feeling of opening a jar that everyone else struggled with......Ohhh Yeeaaaa!!

   I just read that birth control pills can prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.

   Username or Password Incorrect” You couldn't just tell me which one?

   going to be wearing an armor plated vest just in case Cupid gets any ideas.

   I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands

   What's with people who come on Facebook to announce that they are in a bad mood and they want to be left alone, so no one should text or call them? No one was ever going text/call your cranky a$$ anyways.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

   If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gunna do it again!!

   Girls cheat if there's something wrong with the relationship; guys cheat if there's an opportunity to get away with it.

   I find it curious that Kermit sings about how hard it is being green but nothing about screwing a pig.