Funny Status Messages

   If you don’t tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven’t had sex or even been on a date in 9 years will.

   I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...

   The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

   I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

   It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.

   I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."

   Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up

   My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.

   If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

   It's getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.

   Self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.

   If Batman and Catwoman had a kid, it would become either a Batcat, or the less popular Manwoman.

   Freedom is never free...Happy Veterans Day!!!!

   I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.

   Go down a waterslide when it isn't wet and then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.

   It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

   It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

   Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....

   Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

   Eating a popsicle in front of the guy you're banging and eating a popsicle in front of your dad requires two totally different techniques.