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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b!tch. 
The world would be a better place if people would just take my citizen arrests a little more seriously
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm kicking your ass!
Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible
I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.
So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? Where are the T.V. Benefits with celebrities and musicians giving heart felt speeches on the poor fisherman, wildlife, beaches, loss of income and sabotaged gulf economy?
When we were little, why were we so scared of our parents counting to three?
Oldest woman, 114, dies. Her last words: "Who the f#*k is Justin Beiber?"
his dreams shattered.. Megan Fox got married, there goes my 0.000000000001% chance
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Why do girls run from the ones that make them happy, and fight for the ones that make them cry?
Ladies that tattoo of the sun rising out of your butt-crack looks great now however when you're 60 it's an octopus chasing a starfish.
I'm thinking about making my own brand of beer and call it, "Responsibly." That way I would get free advertising from all my competitors. "Please drink Responsibly."
im single now.... and its weird to be dating again, because for the last three years... i've just been cheating.
I'm shocked at the amount of condoms old ladies buy the moment they leave their shopping carts unattended.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
The 4 Stages of Going Out Drinking: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn't so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4. Why do I do this to myself
Can they make band aids that are easier and faster to unpack so I don't bleed to death?
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