Funny Status Messages

   started taking Gingko Biloba pills to improve his Memory...but, he keeps forgetting to take them!

   Just Overheard on BlackOps online;Guy 1: YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE HAD AN ABORTION!!!! Guy 2: I know I Hate my sister!

   Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. - The Opportunist

   My math teacher staples Burger King applications on failed tests.

   My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.

   I use to get a little nervous if I saw a policeman in my rearview mirror, these days I feel the same about a Toyota.

   YOUR interest in your own kids: 100% Everybody else's interest in YOUR kids: 0.3%

   just witnessed a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck.. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.

   Screw getting an alarm system. I've seen Home Alone, I know what to do.

   Just passed a street sign that said "Slow Children at Play". That's not very nice.

   "Cannot connect to network, try resetting your wireless router." Umm OK but what if my router is in my neighbor's house? Should I call him?

   had it rough growing up. We was so poor, even our rainbows were black and white...

   If a cop stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?

   curious as to which arm rest in the movie theatre is really yours.

   I slap my own ass when having sex cause I'm that kinky. . . And alone.

   I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.

   If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.

   When I win the lottery , the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.