Funny Status Messages

   If you're reading this while camping out in front of Walmart. You're a douche bag.

   how come the bus driver is the only one with a seatbelt?

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away.

   Excuse me lady in the checkout line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test... How's your day going?

   wonders why do some women think restrooms are the best place to take pictures. Look at me don't I look sexy by this big roll of toilet paper.

   Somebody please take Grandpa Biden's keys away before he drives us into a ditch. Oops, too late.

   Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.

   I've seen obituaries that were funnier than this crap...

   My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

   I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there's something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me

   Thank god for smartphones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom

   SCARIEST THING EVER: Flushing a toilet & seeing the water coming up instead of going down

   I don't think it's by accident that the ceilings in trailer homes aren't high enough to hang yourself from.

   GF: Babe what are you doing?? BF:Nothing much, really tired just going to sleep now hunny and you sweetheart ? GF:In the club standing right behind you

   Late fees make no sense. Charge me more money for not having enough money to pay you in the first place. Same with overdraft fees. I'm $2.00 short in my account (which means there is no money in there)......so take out $35.00 more.

   I hate when people ruin my status by commenting with their lack of humor.

   sneezing + taking a leak + Morning wood= one big mess

   Just killed a spider for the first time without peeing myself. Thug life.

   Never trust anyone who says "Im not supposed to tell anyone but..."